im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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