I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
