A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
