Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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