Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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