he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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