a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
