You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
