Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
