If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
