Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Found the puke drawer
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
