Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
