So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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