So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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