i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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