I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
