i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
