I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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