if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
