she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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