John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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