Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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