end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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