why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
