An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
