But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
