There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
