K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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