you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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