in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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