I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
