we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
