I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
