He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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