her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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