So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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