I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
