You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Randomize
