I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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