A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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