at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
