My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
