I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
