Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
