Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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