note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
