I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish life had little blips of pornography
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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