Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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