ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
