Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
