I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
