Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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