If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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